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Post Script
Our member's quotes....
"I had this thought yesterday--that i feel SO LUCKY to have gotten out. I can LITERALLY feel the FOG beginning to lift. Oh my GOD! I say, as I look back at the behavior I was accepting. The emotional abuse. The complete disrespect. And I have this new energy-- this new determination to make every day count. I am not sleeping as long as i was because I have this inner fire to MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME-- because I suddenly see how close to totally disappearing I was. TAKE HEART-- it starts to change!! you start to feel better! I have been out for 6 weeks."
"My NXH's wife #3 left him a few months ago and, since that time, the N has been on my doorstep, begging, cajoling, trying all sorts of methods to get me to come back to him. I will admit that I was/have been tempted...he was putting his "good face" forward...he has been all the sweet things that he was when he was first courting me many years ago. He is making me the same promises...we will travel, we have a cleaning lady, we will have lots of money, we will have a big house. Trouble is, I've heard these promises all before and they didn't come true then...why would they come true this time? Regardless, I have found myself, despite all of my knowlege of N, despite my being able to recognize N in him as he is playing it out in front of me, falling for it on occasion. I have to shake my head clear and remember what I am dealing with...what will come after he has me. It is rather like being mesmerized by a snake in a basket...you sway with him when he sways, you stare into his eyes and find yourself believing him, and then he strikes and bites you."
"I told the therapist this. Imagine a room with people, family and friends. They are laughing and and talking and celebrating. Then NP comes in the room, walks through and exits. In that short time, the people in the room have changed. They are arguing, fussing, yelling at each other. Everyone is angry. It is chaotic. And, the N? As he is leaving the room in this chaotic state, he has a big grin on his face."
"So much of Me was erased by these people. Four major N's in my life. I will never get back the large hunk of life and joy they sucked out of me. I can avoid people like that in the future. I have figured out my part in it, I have changed that as best I can. I will always be a bit of a push over and I will always care for people. I will keep my eyes open for the warning signs and I will still be able to love and to trust. But I will love, trust and care for my self first."
"I am fine now - it took 53 years to get all the N's and other assorted wingnuts out of my life but its done now . I have been Nfree for over a year . Is my life perfect ? .... hardly but I have peace and calm
and the people in it really do love me. My only real regret is not banning the Ns sooner ."
"I have now been in my new place for 2 days and already have a far greater sense of peace and a new job... I am still taking it a day at a time but I wanted to write in to let others know that if they take the steps to erect these giant obstacles to contacting or being contacted, the yearning for that NP will also die down.. just because the brain CAN accept reality when it's right in front of it."
"It sort of pains me to think someone else is under my sheets with him. But, I know the truth about him. He's checking out the new woman. Soon she'll discover the empty blank stare, the nastiness of his half truths, his manipulations, his deceipt, and controling behavior. Then, she'll get kicked to the curb too."
"I nearly lost everything - gave him tens of thousands of dollars. What was my problem though - felt like I was trying to buy his love. Now, I have nothing left to give financially and he's off with another woman who has money. Hope she catches on sooner than I did."
"The past few days I've thouroughly enjoyed the children playing, talking to the adults without any weirdness. Open and honest communication. This is what life is about."
"I want to encourage you all to learn all you can here..but at the same time dont spend too much time going over the details. Yes, they happened, but as we do tend to become what we contemplate (which is why we have such urges to act out toward them as they did to us) its much better to detach, DEPERSONALISE the experience as much as possible."
"I had to get over an STD my ex husband gave me which was the final straw in a litany of NPD abuse spanning 10 years. I lost my company, my house, most of my belongings, and any money that was left over. I returned to the UK and had to start from scratch again. During the hell of those 10 years I never ever thought I'd live a decent (even half decent) life again - but folks - I'm living the dream I used to cling onto! I still have to work hard (I'm 55), rent a small house and freedom to do whatever I wish! It has taken 3 years to get to this point, so there's no easy or quick solution, but the more obstacles you get over - the stronger and more determined you become! For those of you who were in my position 3 years ago - honestly ask yourself 'What have I got to lose?' Me? - I also have my self-respect back and so much respect from others - wonderful healing feeling!"
"Occasionally, I drop in to pay homage of what a life-saver this board served during the most tumultuous time of my life. I must say it is sometimes difficult to read the painful excerpts that were once at the core of my existence not so long ago."
"I have gone through every single phase that has been expressed on this board and the anguish and despair still raises the hair on my nape. Please don?t take my share as arrogance but I feel compelled to express my truth and thoughts of the most hideous relationship I have ever survived."
"I wanted to seek retribution, analyzed the hell out of Him-Me-Us and still none of it ever makes sense! Actually, it was a huge waste of precious time, but like alot of you I got stuck!"
"What I do know? (1.5 years later) I am clear on the fact these human impersonators like the vacuous doll "Evil Chucky" are at large and roam the planet. I will never get those years back squandered on emotional turmoil, grief and darkness."
"God, how I wish while barely hanging on during that tormented season someone would have kicked some sense into me, slapped me cold and told my fortune of doom and disparity. God, how I wish I was receptive to listen."
"Please hear me I know what you are experiencing can be totally dismissed if you choose to walk away. I know you can't hear me if you aren't ready ? I know you must think I am self-righteous and these words come easy. But I've been there and can feel your pain, the raw nerves and disturbed vibes and my heart goes out to you."
"Hello... normal relationships and normal expectations cannot and will not bloom with psychotic, disturbed people that belong in a snake pit."
"Most likely if you are on this board looking for answers, you are involved. If you are involved, all bets say you are merely existing in purgatory, a dark place that that has heightened your raw emotions and dulled your common-sense and paralyzed you. The real you, the warrior you, has put down your sword and is taking deadly blows every minute, every second once you have allowed him (her) to infiltrated your heart and soul. Yes, it is a very lonely, dark place."
"It is so difficult to let go. Release! Release!"
"It may start off as manipulation, verbal abuse, head-games, mind-games, control-control, all a tedious process that at first you ignore then perhaps with futile attempts of defense and rationalization put up your dukes. But as time goes by... with his continual aggressive attacks, he wears you down and ultimately has you second guessing your own intuition, intelligence and self confidence. You surrender with hope, walk on egg shells and wish like hell he would revert to the man you fell for during the honeymoon period. But once that mask comes off the real games begin."
"Perhaps not verbally, (but once he's got your heart) you slowly allow him to take command as 'Captain of the Ship' and end up in his turbulent world of riding the storm of utter chaos and confusion."
"These Predators are Pro's and every single one of us that are led heart-first are prime candidates."
"I am finally at the stage where I could care less what ever happens to him. He's like a late night black and white movie of the 40's that I shut off with no interests before the ending to brush my teeth. Updates from associates have informed me that the leach (they are all the same) has sucked every woman and person dry, gets eventually kicked to the curb or simply drive his victims mad. People are now avoiding him like the plague."
"Last I heard the ex-wife took his car and he can be found sleeping at the shelter."
'Heartless parasites, they must always be on the hunt to find their next feed. Like cockroaches their antennas only know the addiction to "stimulation and survival" with their totally dependency on other's to exist."
"Karma is on fast acceleration these days and as my Ex has proved the universal force swiftly strikes balance in escorting them to their homeland of the most rancid sewers on all counts of mental-emotional and heartless sentencing."
"My Ex is so hideous in lack of human aspects it now gives me the chills to even think I ever allowed him refuge in my life."
"I'm not mad-angry or bitter ... just cognizant Predators who guise as humans are nothing but fungus that swells rampant when a life-force gives them breath to hiss their evil."
"Now is the time to Release-Release the garbage and allow an opening of light to infiltrate with blessings to heal and soothe your soul."
"I was told I was attractive and never had problems getting a date. After being married to him for several years, my family would BEG me to get away from him. They thought I would die because they said I looked 20 years older than I did and sickly and haggard. Since I have not been with him for 2 years, anyone who sees me says "What did you do? You look 20 years younger". aaahh what stress can do!"
"I have been so isolated from family, friends and work that I cannot feel the natural flow of life. I am at an impasse, stuck, waiting...waiting for something. There is no joy, or even upset...just a feeling of absolute flatness about everything. People talk to me...I feel nothing..I can't even emote anything. I cannot get angry even with the N stuff and legals still going on...I haven't given up..but I just feeling nothing. I'm numb ? I truly believe that I have now morphed into something else...but I don't know what. I can feel myself looking at people almost through my exN's eyes and thinking things that he probably would have thought...and that's not right...that wasn't me..that never was me. Could this be PTSD? I've never been diagnosed...my second visit with my therapist is this Monday. I cannot get excited about life..about my son..my job..nothing. In the wake of loosing everything..I have also lost my personality...my emotions....Geez did I turn into the N?"
"I just simply looked tired and worried when I was with him. I got dressed yesterday to go to the airport. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and for the first time in months, I LIKED WHAT I SAW!"
"It's interesting how so many lose weight--- not gain it... I found it very difficult to eat when I was with him. At first I was happy and when he idolized me I felt like the most beautiful and skinny peron on the planet. -- I never lived with my N so I didn't have the day to day worries many of you did.. but I can only imagine if I did I would have become haggard.. But, why can't we eat when we are with them ?? I lost my appetite."
"When my spirit started to recover that it showed on my face and in my attitude towards myself."
"I think maybe the most important thing I've learned from my relationships with Ns--and it's really basic but worth repeating over and over--is to always trust your instincts. Always, no matter how unfounded they seem, because truly skilled manipulators might not give you obvious warning signs at first. You might not be able to catch them in a blatant lie, but only have the pervasive feeling that you're being lied to. They might not call you a bitch or a whore or an idiot, but say subtly mean things about your appearance or behavior or intelligence that make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed. They might not keep tabs on everything you do, but exhibit low-level contempt for your friends or family (and if they show contempt or disregard for their own friends and family, LOOK OUT!). They might not get into physical fights, but stand or walk or gesture in ways that appear physically imposing to you. In other words, they are sometimes very, very indirect, and it is at this point that they'll have you starting to question your perceptions and scrambling to reconcile your reality with theirs. This is when the unraveling begins. And the less you trust your own judgment, the harder it is to leave.
"If you have the feeling you can't be yourself with him, that he's silently judging you or those you care about, if you're afraid of making mistakes or criticisms or to simply bring up a concern because he may belittle you or that he's keeping score, if you constantly sense that he's hiding something from you even though you don't have proof, don't wait until you have "hard evidence" to make a decision about the relationship. By then your heart may be broken and your life shattered. Show yourself the respect you deserve and GET OUT. You owe him nothing!"
"I am seeing many people not take accountability for their relationship with an N/abuser. I firmly believe that one enormous step in the process of N-recovery is to take accountability & responsibility for our part in the relationship."
?My therapist told me "NP's are soul murderers. Their own soul is dead, and they want to spread their deadness around to as many people as they can. They are human vampires, and will devour you body, mind and soul. The chaotic devastation you feel from being around them under any circumstance, is their psychic poison that is contagious. The only protection is to completely end all contact."
"At some point, we made a conscious choice to remain, for however long. We chose to ignore the red flags, minimize them and/or rationalize them away. Some recognize they were victimized. Some become martyr's. I do believe there is a distinction between the two."
"N's are experienced con's. They can connive, trick, scam and totally dupe us. I firmly believe that in hindsight we can all say that there WERE signs, albeit subtle at times. We chose not to listen to our gut. We chose to stay. We are accountable and responsible for our choices. When we choose our actions, we choose our consequences. Now, do not confuse that with me saying we CHOSE the abuse. We put ourselves in a position TO BE at RISK for abuse, however, we DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE ABUSED."
"In typical abused fashion, I chose what I knew (the cycles of abuse) over the unknown which was much, much more scary at the time. Fear paralyzed me. I was scared, alone, and in what I thought for 4 years was love. I now own up to the fact that for me, it wasn't love at all. It was codependency, it was fear, it was wanting to be needed, it was wanting to be The One but it was not healthy."
"We can either awknowledge we were victimized, or we can choose martyrdom. For a long, long time (years) I chose martyrdom. I subjected myself to the abuse; I went back and back and back. I tried and tried and tried. I rationalized. I dismissed his behavior."
"In the beginning, I was totally conned, totally fooled by xN's fake persona. I was taken in. I am pissed at myself for that! However, I recognized that at SOME POINT in the whole chaos storm I CHOSE the relationship. There were times when I felt I didn't HAVE a choice, yet, that ol' gut feeling... that tingle ... that sense... was ignored. For THAT I am accountable. For THAT I am responsible, because there is ALWAYS a different choice."
"I am NOT responsible for HIS behavior, however. ONLY MINE. He is and will be mentally ill. That is not MY problem. However, in order to continue the process of healing & recovery I have had to OWN my actions and reactions. Not his. It was easier to focus on his behavior than my own."
"There is comfort in letting everything be the N's fault. There is comfort in placing all the blame on N. I did it for a long time. I am writing this for me, because it is high time I "came out" and stood up for myself and awknowledged my own culpability. I thought I could change him. I thought if I did things differently, if I did nothing, if I did something, if I loved more, if I was more patient, if I was molded into what he wanted, then "everything" would be ok. That falls on ME."
"God bless and keep you ALL and thank you so much JUST FOR SHARING. Just think how much stronger you are just for knowing...you may not think it, but you ARE. We've found them out. And don't forget:
Each of your Ns seriously underestimated every single one of you!"
"He cannot bear the uncertainty of suffering one more time. But I can! I can love and lose and love once more and, O my goodness! This makes my skin tingle with life once more!"
"In all honesty and bluntness, they tend to get away with it due to the complacency and backpedaling of their victims."
"These people are emotionally, mentally, morally and spiritually dead! Can the dead remember what is going on around them? Can the dead feel what they are doing wrong? Can the dead feel at all? They are the walking dead! Don't ever expect an apology or a change unless they find Life! I agree with this and it helped me to understand how someone can commit such horrible things. It also made it much easier to forgive when I was told this: "Carrying the dead with you is what you are doing by not forgiving! To forgive is not to forget, it's only to release a person from a debt, a debt that can NEVER be repaid! By carrying this you allow them to control you for LIFE and through LIFE!"
"My therapist said something, actually quite simple, but very profound. Something I've been struggling with for a very, very, long time. I'm out of N's home, have seen a lawyer several times, and she is waiting for my "go ahead," but something keeps stopping me. My therapist asked "When you have a cut and put a bandaid on it, how do you then take the bandaid off?" I thought for a bit and said, "quickly." He just smiled and said, "Yes, now think about that in relation to your situation." WOW! I don't know how that clicked so well for me, but it did. I wrote my lawyer yesterday and told her to continue on. Amazing what simple little things will help."
"In fact, beware of people who are attracted to the drama of life".
"The worst thing about being with an abusive partner is that IT'S CONTAGIOUS! To survive, we slowly become like them. We get shitty, we get short, we lie, we manipulate the situation right back at him, we cover for ourselves and our kids.... The toxicity spreads."
"I was reading a mystery novel and I saw the sentence, "You didn't fail, because there was never a chance for success in the relationship." What? I DIDN'T FAIL? Huh? You mean I have been beating myself up for all these years because I couldn't bear another "failure" in front of my family and friends AND myself? And I didn't even have a chance for success to begin with? Next, was "Why wasn't there a chance?" Well, the answer has become my answer to everything "N" because he is mentally ill. No matter what the circumstance with him, the answer was always the same. He's sick."
"This forum granted access to the information I needed to know about NPD in order to begin the detachment process and eliminate the false hope that he would 'wake up' or 'be responsible' or most important of all: Hold himself accountable for what he was doing. However, there had to be a clean break between my emotional process for healing, and my logical process for dealing with the N."
"It has made me sick to my stomach to realize and own up to the fact that I had chosen to continue the cycle of abuse even though N is soooo out of my life. Yet, his cruelty has been replaying itself in my head for months now. I have stopped asking myself what was so wrong with me that I either:
- chose an N
- stayed with the N
- tried everything I knew to "make it work"
"Again, the answer is always the same: Because he is mentally ill. I got sucked in, stayed and tried to make it work all as a direct result of his mentall illness. Also, I had my own agenda's. I was lonely, yet scared to be alone. I enjoyed the "fun" things we'd go out and do and dismiss the verbal lashings that always ensued. I felt I was getting older and no one else would want me. I had been made to feel like an inconvenience by my Father, so I stuck with another man who could make me feel the same way. I was codependent and addicted to the drama, chaos and instability. I liked the small doses of a technicolor world even though most of my life with N was soo black and white. I got a payoff from staying, even though it was a negative one."
"My own self-abusive internal dialogue is over. I had to stop the cycle or else I would end up with yet another N or abuser."
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