"For months following that experience, I was in survival mode. I functioned, went to work, socialized, etc., but I had no interest in anything beyond the day-to-day necessities of living. That's starting to come back now, little by little, but it has taken a long time. My therapist says that I'm mourning a kind of death--the death of my innocence and naivete about life. At 55, I finally figured out that there truly are evil people in this world."

 

"Please ... oh God please ... let me stay away.  Keep me away from him ... regardless of the grief I'm feeling and the loss I've suffered.  So many people in my life don't understand that I really did love this man ... but I know he's not well.  I could use some wise words ... some empathy *not to be confused with sympathy* ... and any advice.  I just want to pick up the phone and TALK to him ... but I know we'll start our 'toxic tango' again ... and that'll be that ... I'll be roped back in for another wild ride."

 

"You say you have this urge of feeling you need or want to contact him?  When we are hurting, feelings sadness, despair, anger, or physically weak, ill or other emotions, this is your barometer - that's the time when we begin have those malignant optimisms and our thoughts turn (incorrectly) to contacting the abuser. It will pass, and it will recur and pass time and again. Expect this to happen for some time yet. When we are feeling stronger we can see our faulty thinking.  It's part of our healing process. Don't contact somebody who was abusive to you, let the addictive feeling of needing contact pass on it's own."

 

"I found myself thinking of him in not just, "oh, it didn't work out" terms, or even "he was a shit to me" terms, but really in kind of a sinister, haunted forever kind of way. I think in part this is because he really does present himself, both in demeanor and his songs, as this kind of tragic, romantic figure. But what just dawned on me is, how much of my inability to separate myself from him was directly related to his having "made" me a part of his "world."

 

"For me, 5 years after the first d&d, it took hitting bottom, acute stress reaction, heart unit intensive care unit, tranquilizers, losing my job, a frozen career, almost losing my condo, derealization (the most scary experience), almost a nevous break down, acute depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, losing my dignity, becoming a shadow of the woman I was, and moving overseas to be with family to help me heal. That's what it took 5 years later.  Had I left one year earlier, no acute stress reaction, no derealization, no suicidal thoughts. Had I left two years earlier, no panic attacks, no tranquilizers. Had I left right away, I would have only suffered some depression, and mild anxiety.  By now, I would be succsessful in my career with a new healthy mate, independent in my own condo, and very close to the person I was before N.  But no, I had to stay five more years, hoping to change him, make him love me like before, have him around so I don't feel anxious and scared, beat him at his own game.  I lost big time because I hit bottom, because I fell to pieces, because the longer I stayed physically or emotionally, the worse it got, the longer it takes me to heal.  My life was shattered, but his life was not affected in any way because he is a N.  How I wish I got out sooner.  How I wish I went NC sooner.  How I wish I ran and never looked back.  He destroyed my life, and I let him. What is it going to take for you???"

 

---

 

"In Alcoholic's Anonymous, they say you have to change your play mates, play ground and play things, if you want to stop an addiction.  So, that means, no contact.

 

"How do you give up the Magical Thinking? How do you get your heart to quit hoping he'll change?"

Reply: "I love the term magical thinking because that is what it is."

 

"I am struggling with my apparent inability to decisively call to an end what I now consider to be an abusive relationship. I'm at a total loss to explain why I continued time and again to put myself in the line of fire, when objectively, I knew things weren't right. I'd surely appreciate any input you might have. 

Response #1
"I stayed, and went back and back, because I am just plain stubborn, and I wanted the "relationship" to work.  I believed that if I worked hard enough at it, problems could be worked out between us, and I thought that the P cared as much about me as I cared about him.  I thought giving 110% and trying to *help* him would make it work. That's an interesting idea - i.e., proof that romantic relationships don't work.  It wasn't like that for me.  I just gave and gave until I was Financially & Emotionally Burned Out, and I could not take one more day of it. I think we leave when we're ready, and not one minute earlier."

Response #2
"Years ago, a therapist said I stayed with people who did not treat me good, because this was all I knew. I felt comfortable with the abusive people, and uncomfortable with "normal" loving relationships. Even within a group of "normal" people who are only acquaintances, I still sometimes feel out of place as if I can't relate to their lives."

"In my case, my N/P had me so high, made me feel so special and loved, that when he emotionally abused me, it seemed to just throw me completely off, and I was always clinging to those false highs. He made me feel so high, then so low. Also, I discovered I had severe depression, and when you are in this state, you can't make rational decisions. I also had a self-esteem problem, and when he was doing and saying things that made me feel so special, it temporarily erased those bad feelings about myself, and it felt so good to be with him."

Response #3
"Give yourself a break. Ask yourself the right questions.  Maybe you are there because you are scared of being alone or maybe you are afraid of what he'll do to you if you leave.... or maybe you just made a human mistake by believing his lies. There are many many possible reasons why you have stayed, and if you choose to leave there are many reasons why you may choose that. The most important thing is for you to love and support yourself in looking for the answers inside of you, and doing the best job that you can to take care of yourself and do what is right for you. My exP/N told me that I was causing the abuse by "provoking" him. He said that I had a severe problem with anger. I believed him for a long time, but when I sat down and really asked myself... is this true? I realized that it was not. I realized that that was just what he told me to not be accountable for his actions. My biggest responsibility in the relationship was actually that I took too much responsibility. I needed to take care of me instead of taking on all of the blame for what he did. I'm learning to listen to myself and fill my own needs. Even if I had stayed with him, if I had been better at taking care of me, the abuse would not have effected me to such a degree."

Response 4
_{"You know you're the only one that can truly answer that question}.

So, let me ask you

1. Are you living in hope that he'll change? Is it realistic?
(you want back the good old days, but they never come, only continuing to 'hope')
(or, I'm only just finding out now that what he's doing is abusive, gimme a break and lemme think about this a bit OK)

2. Are you afraid of a future devoid of anybody to share it with? Fear of being alone that drives you remain in this relationship?

(the devil you know is worse than the devil you don't)

(I know he'll find somebody in a heartbeat and I won't and that will hurt - that's what these guys do, Ps aren't successful without a target)

 

3. Is any kind of action-based decision making impossible for you?

(I can't decide on a pair of shoes much less this stuff.)

 

4. Do you feel a need to try to help him?

(we need to check out some information on co-dependency, enmeshment and enabling)

 

5. Are you always waiting for some situation to resolve, and then things will be OK?

(the chaos never ends does it - it just changes names)

 

6. Are you waiting for some catastrophic event that will make the decision for you?

(making decisions is not always clear cut - just an assessment of facts and a decision we make - it's unrealistic to expect it to be 100% crystal clear - it never is)

 

7. Are you afraid of him?
(he could go off the deep end and you aren't really sure)

 

8. Do you have children with him?

(let's tackle that one another time - it's more involved)

 

9. What would you advice someone else in your situation to do?

(making decisions isn't easy. The only thing worse is not making them.)

 

10. I let myself get overweight, I've become disconnected from people and friends.  I'm not comfortable in new situations. I'm afraid I've got too many mountains to climb. I'm been out of the job market and it scares me now. A failed relationship is another thing to overcome. It's overwhelming me.

(hooray and welcome to the sisterhood. These are scary things and we're all the same boat. But you're painting devils on the walls dear. Not only will you knock off the weight, plan the best places to meet really good people, have time to perfect your social skills, join classes, join the workforce in a job you're comfortable with, (if we're out of the job scene for a while we can begin to wonder if we can sharpen pencils) do some new really fun stuff, and refind you - the great gal before P caught you in his lair. You can't tackle it all at once or you'll go crazy. Slow down - a bit at a time OK. And (drum roll) you'll have something nobody else does -- you'll be able to spot a psychopath at a hundred yards. Gee, it makes it all the hard work worth it just to go into P detection mode and play 'Spot the Psycho."

 

Response 5
"All I can say is, you need to feel this is it, no more, come what may, it's over. Sometimes it's too costly to take the "I love the perks that comes with him" road."

 

---

"We can't tell you for sure if he's an N or P or 'just not that into you', but if you go  grovelling running after him or calling him you'll be oozing the odor of needy desperation. Men are hard-wired to be the hunters. When women do that, it's pathetic."  

 

"What?? He treated you bad and you're going back for more?"

"Are you going to do anything about your problem or, are you just going to keep whining about it?"

 

"I once had a psychologist ask me how many times I had to be emotionally slapped and abused before I would leave my NH. Well it has taken gazillions of times. It sounds like you are in that cycle too."

---

"Think of waves  ...here come a wave of "   ...."   it won't stay... and within one day you will see that you can feel joy, hate, strength, sadness ...up and down... BUT,  THE FEELINGS CHANGE AND YOU WILL SEE THAT YOU CAN FEEL AN INNER STRENGTH......listen to your heart .....you are evolving ...I promise."

 

"After you're out you'll see more of the abuser's pathology than you do now, and you'll wonder how you put up with it for so long."

 

"He's ruined my life. No, I've ruined my life. I've known the deal for a long time."

 

"I haven't yet regretted leaving. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it years earlier. Look at all that time I wasted."  

"My Dad was so mad at me today. He does not understand and says "Get over it. He has moved on and you need to move on. What he does does not concern you. When are you going to get over this?" I guess it hurts that my Dad doesn't understand and makes me feel unimportant, too emotional."

"I'm going to deck the next person that says "Just get over it" or "Just let it go", I swear to God I am."

"Feel the sadness of life and love and all the terrible things people do to each other in a search for personal happiness. But make no mistake, nobody and I don't care how 'tough as nails' you might be---nobody chooses to Get Over IT. Whatever IT is. We dig into IT and feel IT and then when IT is ready to go home...IT leaves. And we say to ourselves, 'I am so glad to let IT go back to where IT belonged.' This is a PROCESS and we surrender to our healing--we do NOT control IT."

"Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. My sponsor in Alanon use to tell me: Replace, Replace, Replace."