"After my brush with death and in the hands of the medical system I was refered to many mental health experts, who were assigned the role of assisting me recover from post traumatic stress. They always looked perplexed when I kept coming back to the marriage itself. The psychologist looked at me once like a naive schoolgirl when I declared I needed to find a group of people who had gone through a similar experience."you know. the violence following a break up, I said "I want to talk about the marriage find out what went wrong what I could have done different why nothing worked." He looked at me through his highly educated eyes and in a pompous and all knowing tone..."why its obvious he was a narsisist and you were naive!" basically he felt he cured me with those words. cured me of the endless struggle of mental anguish the lack of feelings, the mind games, the fear hoplessness and dread, the humuliation the horror the lonliness the loss the absence of love, sure he explained it really well.....To himself that is!!!!!!! trouble was I did not have a clue what a narsisist was. or a psycopath so feeling humiliated I went away and didnt go back to him. ""He confessed up front that he was an ex-con which, of course, disarmed me from the start. I had the same nonjudgmental attitude toward my XP. Big mistake. After all, he was being honest with me, right? I found out little by little that there was much more to it than that. His total resume consisted of ex-con, homeless, jobless with no intention of ever working, alcoholic, and sociopath or psychopath which, of course, included lying, stealing, manipulating. Don't feel too bad. I also ignored the red flags, as well as other information - enough to make an "informed decision," which I did not do because I thought it would be different with me. Truth was that I just wanted it to be different. Alas, it wasn't. It took me several thousand dollars and a few years later to wake up and save myself.""My councillor said he was a psychopath and would not change. She said men like him keep her in work because of women like me, ahhh sad but true."
"My timeline was like this: First two weeks = shock and relief. First three months = lots of obsessing and struggle. Fourth month = an increased sense of being okay and beginning to get up and actually do a few things again with people and feel slightly more normal. Fifth month = best so far. A real improvement in my overall mood and sense of well-being. And my plants all show it. Everything around me started to grow and thrive again."
"My daughter passed unto me a very cute quote and I think about it everytime I go back to all the hurt I endured during my years with Jekyll and Hyde...it goes like this:
THE HORSE IS DEAD - DISMOUNT!"
"Indeed. Dismount. Time for a burial and a nice graveside ceremony. Shoot a few rounds of blanks into the sky; shout a couple of hallelujahs and 'blessed be's'; offer a burnt sacrifice by way of dried narcissus and dehydrated garlic, but
grieve it - and leave it."
"It is natural that loving people want love back and just try harder for that reciprocation. But beside little tokens to keep you hanging on, that real love just does not happen. It is like we say to them "I love you, don't hate me". I was too busy taking care of him and being emotionally involved with him to be able to do my homework about what was wrong with him."
"My therapist said if I went back to him, he would totally absorb me until there was no me left."
"My therapist has asked me to keep a Positive Data Log. This, apparently is one of the main tools for building/rebuilding self esteem. I have to record positive achievements only each day and reread weekly. It can be as basic as getting up, dressed and washed. Which was my day yesterday. But today, wow, I've already filled the page. It seems to be infectious, motivating me to do more positive things to put in the book. And, guess what, today I did the most housework I have done in a long time. I put music on and sung along as I worked."
?While at the therapists office we talked about the N relationship I had and its impact on me. She asked me, why did you stay?? I couldn't answer her. She said, come on, you know the answer. Still, I could not answer. Later that night, I came home, lit a candle and sat in my chair and began to meditate with that question in my head. Why did I stay??? Then, the answer came, because you did not love yourself enough. I am going to find out why I self abandoned myself and find the answer if I have to sit on top of a mountain for the next 10 years.?
"We don't want the NP back in our life...we only want them back when we are hurting."
"I too have lost weight, about 15 pounds, and I look the best I have looked in years (in my opinion, and others have commented the same.) Initially it was from grief but then I started to work out again, eat better, drink less, laugh more, etc. I have dropped two dress sizes in two months."
"I cannot and do NOT want to go back. I also realize I am not ready for a relationship. I have work to do on myself. I never ever want to be in that type of relationship again. These people seem to gravitate to me and I don't walk away. This is going to change."
"It is sad because when he's the sweet guy, I'm weak. But something I read recently describes that as "Come closer...so I can slap you".
"We ponder so much about the inner workings of the N. This can be a long time. The N never mourns. We feel angry. In order to move on, first we must mourn."
"It is inevitable that we try to make things work far too long, but finally, when we've had enough, we know it's time to give it up. Staying any longer in an abusive situation means we're willing volunteers and participants in our own abuse.
"He was arrested on a Wednesday morning. Thursday I spoke with the police. Friday I started to write my statement. That weekend I went for a hike in the rain and sat in the forest and cried and cried. Not because I missed him -- believe me, I didn't -- but because I felt so lost and alone and tired. And then I remembered to breathe. Slowly my sense of calm returned. I knew there was a lot to do but for today, what was most important was to keep breathing. Keep putting one step in front of the other until eventually, my steps would all lead into the right direction -- freedom. For most of my life I was a victim. Never admitted it. Never accepted it. That day, sitting in the woods with the rain pouring down, mixing with my tears, I accepted that I had been a victim. It was time to let go of my victimhood and take charge of my life. It was time to forgive myself for anything and everything I had ever done that hurt me and those I love. It was time to make amends with the past. And so, I cried and the healing began."
"We need to (1) Identify the problem(s) 2 Decide what to accept and what to change; 4. Take action. Stop feeling sorry for ourselves or rehashing our problems. Beyond a certain point, it stunts our growth and progress. That's the process. It's the only way.
"Therapy can become a substitute for action-based change, a danger to watch for."
"The more vulnerable you are the more abusive he will be."
"The first day with my therapist, she looked at me, and said, I just met you, I don't know him, and I really don't know you but I can tell you based on my 15 yrs doing this....you need to never contact him or let him contact you again. Break the cycle, it will only get worse."
"The change in him seemed instantaneous. I couldn't stop thinking "Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?"
?I refuse to participate in his games any more. No means no, and I am sticking with it again. Obviously I had yet another lesson to learn from this man. The lesson is that I will never get the satisfaction of answered questions. He is not going to miraculously "get it". He is sick, and I don't want to be part of his insanity any more. I don't know it all about his activities etc. and I don't have to. I know enough to run for my life.?
"Let me share what my therapist told me. "Don't wait for your mind, heart and soul to be in-sync, stay away." Oddly enough distance and space actually brings clarity."
"The longest journey I ever took was that 18 inches between my head and my heart."
"My gut told me something was wrong. I did go to see a hypnotherapist to help me break away. I paid good money, but it did not make the slightest difference. She said to me in the end that unless you really wanted to make changes, no amount of hypnotherapy would make a difference - and I am testament to that. The only thing which has worked with me is the terrible realisation that however much I cared for him, it made no difference - he was always, always going to hurt me, and in the end I had to retreat to save my sanity."
"Basically, the thing that got me into trouble was my kindness."
"There comes a time for all of us when we turn the corner, when we accept what is, what can never be, and begin to step around the bend. I wish I knew how to speed it up for everyone but it's a process like all others we go through."
"If you're like me and haven't been working for a while we begin to wonder if we can even sharpen pencils. Being away from the job market does quite a number on our psyches. Get back as soon as you can in whatever way you can - being financially dependent on one of these jerks is a life-sentence to hell. And, having any job is a major boost to our self esteem. You will soar with the eagles."
"Deal Breaker - good term. We sign on in marriage for better or worse. They break the vows we hang on to. That makes a lot of people hang in there long past a time when we should bail out. It was Dr. Phil's term 'deal breaker' about alcohol, drugs, emotional, verbal physical and psychological abuse that helped me make my decision to give myself permission to walk away from the marriage vows - Thank You Dr. Phil for helping me take that burden off my shoulders. The behaviour of these types of abusers is indeed, a deal breaker."
"Be
cause of his narcissistic traits I found that any contact, whether it be email or in person left me very upset. I finally told him that I needed to take a break from our friendship because each contact was leaving me in a very unsettled state.""The best thing I did for revenge against N was to refuse to become a Narcissist myself. He hates me even more now BECAUSE of course, my continued 'goodness' makes him look like such an idiot. I'm still out there in the world with hugs and smiles and lots of good will. I remained me. And it's killing the guy."
"We don't want the NP back in our life...we only want them back when we are hurting."
"The stages of grief. Anger is a beautiful motivator. Stay with it as long as you need it. The next stage will come, and one day you'll be tired of that one, too. The most beautiful stage of all is acceptance, and looking forward with joy instead of a constant review of the miserableness of the past."
"Row your own lifeboat and don't look back."
"When I met him I was looking for a short cut to happiness. I wasn't able to see that until I got free. I had to honestly and truthfully face myself and admit that his promises of happily ever after, his assertions that he would take care of me, be my protector, my provider -- they were really appealing to me. Ultimately, I had to let go of fear. Fear of speaking my truth. Fear of the outcome when I spoke my truth. I took many steps to get here."
"These people are bootcamp to handling what life throws us, aren't they?"
"Living with Ns and Ps makes us feel crazy, disconnected, wrong, like we are missing something that would make their actions make sense. I finally realized that there is no missing piece of the puzzle here...they do not make sense because they are nonsensical. How liberating this was! And the wonderful thing is that I do know who I am. I can trust myself to do what I commit to do. All the insanity came from the eye of the tornado and finally, I realized who that big bag of wind was."
"If you haven't been creamed by an N it's hard to understand why we don't just get over it."
"Before I more fully understood the full impact of being around a N, I thought his inner childhood wound could be calmed by love. I finally did learn that even if love could be a balm to the wound, the disorder wouldn't allow it to be soothed. He uses the wound to feed the disorder---it keeps him company."
"I have always said that the only way to leave a narcissist is to first
PLAN YOUR ESCAPE then ESCAPE ACCORDING TO YOUR PLAN."
"This is how I got rid of mine. I wrote him a long, fabricated tale about how everything was my fault. I also acknowledged how sorry I was for causing him such pain (gag)! Well, ya know, it worked. I received back from N a "thank you" email (you see, he really thought I had been the bad guy in our scenario). Then I put him on email block and call block. I'm pretty sure he didn't try to get ahold of me after his "thank you" email though (you see, if he really wanted to get ahold of me and wasn't being acknowledged via internet or phone, he could have resorted to post, eh?) He didn't - thank God! Guess he's gone! Yippppeeee!."
* I learned No Contact, and that it is Commandments 1-5 of the 10.
* I learned about an N's lack of rules, morals, empathy and consideration for others.
* I learned to what huge extent I would have to protect myself -- on all levels and in all circumstances.
* I learned exactly how devastating and dangerous the damage can be to a person's psyche when dealing with a pathological liar.
* I learned that I have been in a war of good vs. evil.
"This is the first time in my life I'm not terrified of the dark or feel of a sense of foreboding in my own home. It always seemed like everywhere I lived was full of a dark force I could never put my finger on. Now, I understand the power the negative energy a P/N has on everything around them. Living with them is like living in a non-stop horror movie. I really mean this. It makes me sick to even admit this or to discuss it openly."
"Getting away from the N improves life beyond belief. As weak as you feel being with an N, you'll feel equally as strong being away from the N. The recovery process gets easier, but it lasts longer than you think. Getting away from the N improves life beyond belief. You are stronger than you imagine. You are more resillient than you would believe. This forum is one of the best therapies for those who have been partnered with an N. It's easy to lose sight of who you were and what you achieved by just getting away from an N. As much as the reason you're here is an incredibly sad one, it's overwhelming to find there are others who understand this journey."
"And yes, there is life after the relationship. But for my own experience, I think the recovery means not being in another rleationship until we are healed, and strong enough within ourselves to make a good decison."
"The hardest break-up I ever went through went back and forth like this. He'd always say something that would get me "negotiating conditions" if we were to stay together. Then I'd hear myself doing this and wonder "What am I saying? How did he get me back 'in?" I finally resorted to saying only one thing to him "NO!" He squirmed, he begged, he promised, he sweet-talked, and all I would say was "NO!" By the end I was screaming it through my sobs, but it kept me going where I had to go, and didn't involve my head at all; that way he couldn't mess with it. I plain old wouldn't allow myself to say anything else to him, no matter what he said to me. I didn't even know about the idea of "no contact" at the time, I wish I had."
"I feel your pain as a river and am frightened that you are drowning in it. Within you lies the courage to take the first step away from him, away from the torment in which you live. But right now, you sit looking at a life without options. You have many, if you leave him. Few if you stay."
"I have hope for the future and for building a life around myself rather than around a guy who loves to throw you a crumb and then laughs while you choke on it."
"Their need for control is crushed by people who have it together."
"For a long time I thought that if I could separate the N from his subtle intermittent verbal abuse, he would be just the person I wanted him to be. It took me a long time to accept that the N and his verbal abuse went together. I thought that if I could tune out his remarks and let them ride over me, and just accept the bits of him that were "acceptable" we could have an acceptable, less than perfect friendship. What I did not realise at the time was that this subtle abuse was eating away at my soul. I was allowing him to say things to me I would not allow anyone else to say to me. I also realised that I was allowing him to treat me inhumanely. I would never have said to someone else what I was letting him say to me, and I kept quiet, because I felt that if I protested, he would leave me. So I did not protest. He left anyway."
"I'd rather go through the heartache all at once than live with it trickling all the time."
"I have achieved more in the last 5 years away from him than in the whole of the 33 years with him."
"I have had more contentment in the last 14 months than I had in the 9 years with the exNP. People , especially going through the pain and anguish of newly leaving (or being left), think that their life is ruined, miserable, will never get better and someday they will see the N and it will remind them of Streisand /
"When I went through my worst break-up I realized that the thing upsetting me most was a sense that I had failed to fix his problems. No matter how good my intentions, no matter how much I was willing to sacrifice, this was something I could not do. At the time it felt like evil had won, and that I was a weak, puny failure. NO ONE could have fixed this guy. It wasn't just me. Once I really digested that fact, I was able to release myself from the situation. It still really hurt. I wish our hearts didn't do such a good job of ignoring our heads."
"Finally, after five years of being played like a marionette I wisely looked up and saw the strings. I began to study my puppet master and watch carefully formulated patterns emerge to have me dance in a particular direction."
"We need to (1) Identify the problem(s) 2 Decide what to accept and what to change; 4. Take action. Stop feeling sorry for ourselves or rehashing our problems. Beyond a certain point, it stunts our growth and progress. That's the process. It's the only way. Therapy can become a substitute for action-based change, a danger to watch for."
"I consider this site and the information on it the blade I have wielded to cut the strings of manipulation that have kept me in an exhausting dance to a tune that was not written or chosen be me. It is my new task to purposefully direct my own steps and orchestrate my own music from here on out."
"The problem with these idiots is that they really don't know what the hell they want out of life, but the one thing they do know is THEY LOVE TO TORTURE and to PROLONG THE TORTURE. Somehow sadistic behaviour ensures their control and validates their existence. If he lets you have your life back, who will he torture?"
"You know what a relief it was not to have NH as THE pivotal factor in my life... to be able to strive for something I never would have been allowed to do with him. How very much smaller his shadow is on my soul tonight... And HE is in no way responsible for it, it's a pull I feel to go forward, not to get away from him, but to rejoin life."
This girl from work heard yelling. She and her sister went racing down the hall to see what was going on. And the drunk, stupid exN had his gf down on the floor (in this scuzzy bathroom), wouldn't let her up, slapping at her, yelling and cussing in her face, and she was curled up in a fetal position, crying. I told her "That's what he does best." She and her sister talked to the gf for two and a half hours, trying to tell her to get away, leave the bas****, etc. And she couldn't see it, or understand it. She kept saying, "But I love him!" And "I can make it all better. I just have to work at this relationship more."
"I have to tell you something. I am at work at this very moment. I am in the court room. In the past 15 minutes I have had three different women come in and try to get their 'loves' out of jail for battering them. The last woman, was very badly bruised and not all there. Yet she cried and cried that she had to be able to see him (there is a no contact order with him and he's in jail) How does this happen? I had to explain to her that it was like if he burnt her house down...maybe she didn?t mind it but it was against the law and no amount of love is gonna help this time. I really feel sorry for these women who honestly believe that they can help them or change them. And yet...I other than the physical abuse...let a man do it to me. It seems for every "P" that is out there, there is at least 3 women wanting to save him!"
"When he raped his ex-girlfriend his mother spent $50,000 to keep him out of jail. And he looks like one of these guys you see in a magazine. So his family always laugh and say, "why would he have to rape anybody, he's got all kinds of women throwing themselves at him". All the evidence was there. He always had the victims deposition laying around the house, but I never read it until after the second break-up. Needless to say, I was astounded. The same things he had said to her when beating me up, he said to me."
"Love that is healthy will empower us, not imprison us."
"The problem with these idiots is that they really don't know what the hell they want out of life, but the one thing they do know is THEY LOVE TO TORTURE and to PROLONG THE TORTURE. Somehow sadistic behaviour ensures their control and validates their existence. If he lets you have your life back, who will he torture?"
"My therapist told me "You are reacting normally to an abnormal situation."
"Every time I read about Ns, there is a part of me always evaluating if I have some of those features myself."
"My neighbor said something to me which stuck: "Why would you want to be married to somebody who doesn't want to be married to you?" Why would any of us want to do that to ourselves, when we are worth so much more than that?
"In order to alleviate the major guilt complex, they create a world of fantasies and weave a tangled web of lies, which at this point you are probably ensnared in, rendering them totally delusional. This is how they function on a daily basis. So if you are thinking that they seem to lead "charmed" existences, think again. They live in mental hell on a 24-7 basis. Still miss your N?"
"Will my obsession of the WHYS ever stop?"
"Why would he bother with the trouble and indeed expense, of "courting the supply" if he could have unlimited supply through the power of his wonderful (to him!) conversation. He would tell these women how nice they looked (they didn't!), how to run their lives, their children, and he'd start in with the big "scientific" words! They thought he was God almighty. How about that for high-octane supply."
"I give him no ammunition. I never tell him anything about anything personal ever."
"It doesn't happen overnight, it's gradual. If he hit me the first date, I'd have never stayed. He didn't hit me for over a year."
"Then she said, "I met your ex, and he is certainly an azzhole, isn't he? "I agreed and said, "You have no idea."
"Verbally sparring with an N is like teaching a pig to sing. It is an exercise in futility and infuriates the pig."
"I had to treat no contact like a drug addiction. There were times I had to count the hours of no contact. I marked days off on the calendar. My entire life went to hell and I finally got mad and took it back. I am making my own happiness these days. It's still a struggle but it gets better every day. I had to force myself through the initial no contact but once I started to see our relationship for what it was it became easier and easier."
"I know that sometimes we look back at the past, and we say, "Oh, it wasn?t that bad"...well, darlin'..I guarantee you it WAS that bad."
"He has driven me to new depths in low-rent behavior."
"At first the little verbally abusive things went right past me. I thought he was joking."
"I want to share with you some words that my former therapist once said to me. At first I thought they were way too over simplistic, but the more I thought about them the more I appreciated their gravity. They are, "it is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else."
"An affair such as you and I both experienced is the "ultimate weapon" of the abusive man or woman. It is a sadistic intention to humiliate, degrade, reduce the lover to a replaceable object."
"I have been out of the N thing now for about 3 years, so I tend to be a little harder on these guys than some of you who are still in it. Mostly because it was when I got tough that N got going (as fast as he could in the other direction away from me)."
"Their need for control is crushed by people who have it together."
"If you N-DIP... think of it as a way of slowing casting away that N. Like a shirt with a fresh stain... you have to re-soak and re-wash it until the stain is FINALLY GONE. I assure you everytime you go back to your N the things you found cute will no longer be tolerated. You will become powerful! You will find your strength to say NO."
"You?ll find the boundaries suggested here on the strong side at first. You?re used to being nice in all relationships. This man is not your friend and will never be your friend. There is no friendship here to save. Don't act like there is."
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