TARGET PRACTICE
"Here is something that helped me, and maybe useful for you:
I realized I too had projected onto him all these wonderful things that simply, once he unmasked himself, were not true.
Write down a list of all you saw in them that you fell in love with, (they mirrored our projections so very well), and you will see that this is actually a list of your own wonderful lovable qualities. Reclaim them."
“Do they all seem overly caring, and ready to give everything in the beginning? The guy I started with disappeared as soon as we were really together. I waited 14 years for him to come back. He did not. Who was that masked man?”
"Honey, if you're one of these types that wants a man to 'take care of you' I can guarantee there's a big red flag and T for target written all over you. You'll have no trouble finding them or, them finding you."
"My xN had previously been married to a woman for 20 years. That marriage lasted so long because she was a relatively unemotional 'businesslike' woman. She had come from an abusive, alcoholic background and I seriously doubt that she was in touch with her emotions. She pretty much "left him alone".
When he met me he had "never felt that way about anyone before" which translated into he had never stumbled onto such a rich NS before. I worshipped the ground he walked on. He was like a kid in a candy store. Manipulating her had been hard work and with me all it took was a little wink and a few sweet words and the answer was always yes, yes, yes. Once he "had me" and I began to expect some responsibility from him things became very different. There is nothing wrong with your emotions, that is what makes you human, but letting the N see your emotional side only fuels the fire. Getting away from my xN saved my sanity and now any interaction is "all business". In fact the only communication now is done through lawyers. Distance and time is what brought clarity for me."
"I firmly believe that an N will tell huge lies, a whopper of a story, make himself out to be a victim despite pretty obvious evidence to the contrary and, if he can get somebody to believe him - BINGO - HE'S FOUND A TARGET."
"There are a lot of very lonely dependent women out there."
"I think the N's in our life constantly test us to see if they are still in control."
"When we met he was the most wonderful person I had ever known. He was funny, charming, independent, and fulfilled all of my emotional and physical needs, but after a few months things began to change. I could not figure out what was going on. It was like he was a totally different person. I did everything to make things work."
"I think a female-to-female friendship with an N is so damaging because as women we tend to bond by confiding and revealing personal information. This gives them an incredible arsenal to use against us."
"N would criticize my interests or my beliefs to the point where I just wasn't interested in the things I had been previously interested in. And I became further and further isolated from everything and everyone except him."
"His SISTER actually said one time when we were dating, "I hope you know what you're getting into" His MOM said it too. I thought they were just being cute, you know?"
"Some people are real and genuine, others wear masks. My job is to fiqure out who is who and adjust my own boundaries accordingly. It takes real work."
"I felt like he was a train that had come derailed and if I did help him he would get back on track. He just kept telling me how awful things were and I jumped right in to help him out. The truth is he never did ask me to help, I just offered. From now on I'm going to let people solve their own problems - just like I have to."
"I am a nurse, I have done case management for mental illnesses, and I didn't even see a bit of it for over 7 years. None of the therapists saw it. He isn't even a smart one, and he fooled all of us."
"I kept thinking he was struggling with something and just wasn't ready to talk about it yet."
"They can't keep that false act for long, it's too exhausting so they change into who they really are: Mr. Hyde. The Dr. Jekyll he seemed to be in the beginning was the wrapping paper on the hideous package underneath."
"He was insulting, belittling, controlling, blaming, he twisted my words and got me to the point where I began to think I was going crazy."
"I finally decided to end it and he has become even more bizzare. I am starting to get afraid he may do something really bad."
"You ask how long does it take to see the real person behind the mask - it's not a matter of time, it's a matter of knowledge."
"She's a good person, just as hoodwinked and buffaloed by the exN's charm as I was. My heart went out to her. She and I spent a lot of time talking and validating what we both - in our hearts - knew: the lies, betrayal and deception of the exN, the times and dates and places where we both had different explanations from him, the things that both she and I were totally confused about. I like her - she is a lot like me in many ways."
"My N never hit me in the 18 months we were on/off. He did however hit his dog whenever she didn't "listen". Made me cringe.....He would justify by saying it was for her own good because she was a "gun" dog... WHATEVER!!! I truly think he broke that poor dog's spirit. The "light" in her eyes seemed to just go out sometimes. My therapist says it would have been just a matter of time before he hit me."
"Anything I told him of a personal nature came back to bite me. These demons are great for sucking info out of you to turn around on you. I knew this wasn’t right. This is what really called me on reality. He is the sickest person I have ever met."
"I feel like a gerbil on an exercise wheel going round and round each day that I have to see him. The cycle of grief repeats itself daily - denial, grief, anger, denial grief, anger. In some ways I think he knows of the torment he puts me through and I believe he enjoys it."
"Do they every change? NO! they just get better at hiding it!"
"You couldn't have said it better - they just get worse."
"The worst things are lying, cheating, selfishness, coldness, did I mention lying and cheating?"
"Ns are obsessed with blame. They are always blaming everyone else for everything that happens."
“I can't get past the anger at having to deal with another stressful event. Especially when it seems like nothing touches N. It seems like he has a license to create chaos and destruction everywhere he goes without ever suffering any consequences.”
"I have both a therapist and psychiatrist, and they helped me see how I gravitate toward men without consciences because that is what I was raised around--criminals, con artists, and my mother's 3rd husband who is a genuine psychopath. In fact, I was willing to look the other way for this guy precisely because I grew up looking the other way. "
"What makes me really sad is that I don't think I will ever be or ever feel like I did before I met N. He is like a vampire that sucked the life force out of me."
"He would wake me up at night and keep me up for hours to rant and rave about something that might or might not have held any truth to it. I got to the point that the least little noise at night causes me to jump out of my skin."
"I never thought my XN/P was sadistic, but now I remember days where I cried my eyes out, and while the tears were streaming down my cheeks, he would become sexually aroused and start looking at my chest and touching me, then try to have sex with me."
"I am a fairly articulate person, and I used to think that if I could just EXPLAIN things to him, he would "get" it. I wish somebody could have told me 20 years ago that this is an absolutely futile pursuit. Don't explain ANYTHING to them. When I think of how I spent hours and hours composing carefully worded letters to my N, I feel like a complete fool. I think all he did was scan the letters to find things to use against me."
"To most people he is the harmless, lovable larrikin, proud father and caring partner. At home he was lazy, selfish, money-grabbing, abusive, obsessive and critical."
"The real lessons to be learned are to spot the red flags and then run like hell."
'Why do we want to repeat the cycle?' Because we are familiar with the role (conscientious caregiver), comfortable with the role, and very good at the role, given our family or relationship history with Ns".
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