"By playing on the narcissist's grandiosity and paranoia, it is possible to deceive and manipulate him effortlessly. Just offer him Narcissistic Supply - admiration, affirmation, adulation - and he is yours."
Dr. Sam Vaknin - Article
Abusing The Gullible Narcissist

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"Crazy people can make the sanest people do crazy things."
Anon.

"As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off narcissistic rage, stop. Walk away. The narcissist will win the tug-of-war. You'll win your sanity. Take your pick."
Dr. Martha Beck

TERRIFIC TIPS AND TRAPS
FROM THE TRENCHES

Telling an N they are an N is a MAJOR taboo. All you will accomplish is to pull down onto yourself a foul and viscious revenge. 

The Workplace:
"My advice -- Act. Do not react. When you meet her, be effusive. Be 'over the top' in saying hello and keep moving. Do not stand in her sphere of influence unless it's absolutely imperative. Whenever possible, beat her at her own game. Keep talking. Keep moving. She will eventually (and rather quickly) figure out she has no influence on you and will search for easier prey."

"If you're being subjected to her nastiness, go quickly to management and let them know that she's interfering with you being able to perform your duties. Have journaled details."

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I dealt with my psychoN boss was to distract him from his rants by bringing up something that he thought he was the absolute expert on.  In this particular guy's case, he bragged that he was an expert on 1940's movies.  When he'd throw his cup of coffee against the wall, leap out of his chair and start running to go fire some poor guy down the hall, I'd quickly ask him a question as he ran past my desk.  Sample:  What was the name of that hefty actor in the white suit in Casablanca? He'd stop on a dime and start to pontificate about Sidney Greenstreet and every movie he'd ever been in.  Ten minutes of monologue later, he'd forgotten all about where he had intended to go.

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?What can I say during an interview about why I left??  One thing is to turn this lemons to lemonade situation around by focusing on the needs of the business that you are interviewing for. To the question ?Why did you leave your last position??
One response might be ?My light shines brightest in a position where I can (for example) interact and relate to customers in a sales environment. When a change in management occurred, I was given different duties and could not perform at my best potential. In the position I am applying for here at (xyz company) I feel that the opportunity presents itself for me to again be in a position where my best talents meet the needs of the organization. Then, elaborate on how you ?fit the bill.?

Put some nice wrapping on yourself by mentioning a nice success story like "previous to the change in management' I was able to Increase the sales in my department 38%."

 

Now, who wouldn't hire you??

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Visitation:
"Now this next is a rather difficult thing for some women to do, but IF you can act as though his exercising his visitation rights is your ticket to freedom, then this will be one of your most powerful weapons. When he shows up to pick up your daughter, be all dolled up, hair all pretty, Full makeup, "going out" clothes and perfume. Act as though you are ready to go out partying. Even check your watch if he tries to keep you even an extra second at the door.

Now, if you really go out (and why waste good perfume??), that is all the better. This is a good time to practice being good to yourself by spending time with girlfriends, learning to line dance, taking a class, visiting a museum or art gallery, attending a movie, concert or play - or whatever. You want him to believe that his "services" are much desired so that you can have special time for yourself. No N wants to be an unpaid babysitter.

I have known this tactic to cause a narcissist to totally abandon their child in a total fury at their ex. I have even known it to cause a narcissist who has already gotten custody to decide they don't want custody after all and to literally make their ex take the child(ren) back. The reason it works is this:

A narcissist is a child - a spoiled self-centered child. No little kid wants to have to work at caring for and entertaining another child. All or most of his payoff comes from you obviously not wanting him to see the child. Even "playing super dad" for someone or some group they are trying to impress can't do the job forever, for even grandparents or the people at church seldom provide enough  NS every single time to make it a worthwhile expenditure of energy.

A narcissist only interacts with someone else when there is a payoff. Feeding, cleaning, dressing, soothing, entertaining someone even their own child, are not things a narcissist wants to do."

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"Do not deviate from the parenting agreement unless it is absolutely necessary.  When my exnh wants to rewrite the plan, I always get it in email and refuse.  I just simply recopy exactly what our parenting order is and send it right back to him with a note saying that I am simply following what our agreement it. (In my mind he can argue with the courts. I stopped arguing with him when the divorce became final.)  He agreed to it and we need to follow it now.  When he comes back with another email, I simply recopy the same reply about the divorce agreement and sent in back to him again. My next response after that is that I tell him to consult his attorney. I am simply following our divorce agreement. He knows if he doesn't follow it, I will have in court for contempt. End of story. He knows I mean business. I am not nasty in my emails. Very brief, to the point and business like. He, on the other hand, can't control it and his motives come out very clear. By the way, emails can be used in court in my state so use them to your advantage.

 

Keep all emotions out of the fight and expose him for what he is without it looking like a episode from a Jerry Springer show.  Give these guys enough rope and they will hang themselves. The magistrate who handled my case saw right through my exnh. Don't try and argue with him because it is all about winning to him. He doesn't want to compromise so talking it out doesn't help you. All he wants to do is wear you down.

 

You may want to consider a child therapist for the kids if it is possible. They will need coping skills to handle this dysfunctional part of their family life. Like it or not, he is their father. You can't control what happens to them when you aren't there to protect them. They need a safe place to talk, discuss their emotions, and learn to stand up to their father and understand the dynamics. They have a long road ahead of them."

 

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Email Contact with X - Abuser

There are two types of emails. The first type is the type you must respond to: a scheduling change, or a "major" issue as defined in your parenting plan. In my case, these are only school curriculum changes and non-emergency medical issues; every other issue is considered "day to day", and I don't have to communicate about that. The second type is "noise" - he's just blowing steam, venting fury.

1. DO NOT send email or initiate contact on anything that is not either education or health related, or related to exchanges. Stick to issues regarding scheduling, schooling, and medical care. Co-parenting does NOT mean trying to communicate as if you were still married. You do not need his permission for most things; check with your lawyer if you're unsure.

2. For noise emails: logic, reasoning, and being right will just make it worse. There is no connection of minds possible. If you have to answer, just "Email received". Never defend yourself, never provide details, never explain, never justify. Yes, this will be extremely hard and will kill you inside. Don't give in. This one is critical. Defending yourself will never result in his changing his mind or his opinion about you.

3. If child says XN doesn't know something, and asks you to email him the information, send this type of email: "Child said you didn't want to talk to me on the phone AND/OR that you wanted me to email you about some questions you had. Let me know what the questions are, and I'll answer them." Put the responsibility on him to tell you what the questions are. Phrase it so he knows you know he asked child to have you do something, putting child in the middle. Play dumb and don't volunteer what you think he wants to know. Make him ask it - he must communicate what he wants answered. Answer directly with nothing subjective.

4. In every email in which you need a response, put something like: "Please let me know within two days if you disagree. If I don't receive a response, I'll make XYZ decision or take ABC action." With this approach, you're not held hostage for lack of of response, and you have closed the conversation one way or the other. If you believe that what you wrote is going to create conflict, don't answer your phone. Force a response on your voicemail or a reply by email. After a call, if a decision is made, send an email, "Based upon our phone conversation today, it's my understanding that we have agreed to XYZ. If this is incorrect, please let me know within x time." If no response, you have implied agreement. Get it in writing, or get it on voice mail where it's recorded (and keep it).

5. Don't say, "Child was sick because of...". You're not a doctor. She was sick, she's better. Stick to objective facts: she had a fever of x degrees, she was throwing up - and NEVER give your opinions of why. If she has to be evaluated by a doctor, then get into reasons cited by doctor. Details open yourself up to his telling you what you did wrong. He will try to say child is sick because you feed her bad food, because you let her play outside when it was too cold - anything to put blame on you. No details other than objective observation.

Raising Children with an Abuser:
"It is very possible to raise your children to be normal even when they have to visit with their N father frequently. TIPS: associate as little as possible with the ex and preferably by email and keep it all business, the children will recognize what you are doing by the time they are pre teens. You need not say a thing. Compliment your child daily, even over the phone when they are  visiting with their father, ask questions about their day and how they feel and what their opinion is on different subjects and issues. Let them be HEARD, the N will never hear their sweet voices. Hug them and display closeness by holding hands, smiling, laughing and joking with them. Critisize when necessary only in private and make sure they know it is the action you do not care for but you still love them, no matter what, period, and SAY this to them. Praise them in public and not just for their accomplishments, but just for them being who and what they are. Let them know, in the most non offensive way, indicate you do not approve of their father's actions as they are disrespectful to others and make sure they SEE YOU behaving in a loving, accepting and respectful way to all others. Let them see you being kind, frequently,no matter how small the kindness. Soften your tone and voice, they need to hear kind words and thoughtful manners to wash away the strident harshness of their father's cruel, acerbic, and almost always critical voice. Tell them each day you love them, and I mean every day. Admire their accomplishments, encourage them to be frank, open and honest and speak their minds, even to their N father, and assure them that you are 100% behind them at all times. Teach them not to be afraid of the N or anyone else and that they are worthy of the love they receive from you and others. Show them how to do the right thing under all circumstances and to be kind "no matter what ". Teach them that all they can truly control is themselves and live this one (especially) by example!  Lastly, when the time is right, let them watch you and include them often, in a loving relationship with a normal man..... they will discern what is right and what is N behavior.

I have two children 9 and 13 and so far so good !! They are strong, kind and moral children who still cannot understand their father (and who can, really) but they realize that is OK."

"Take charge of the No Contact - that's your job. He will try to contact you and provoke you - it's the nature of the beast. Victims who continue to play around with abusers and don't have self control also don't have a chance in court. It's that simple. And, it's a huge glaring red flag that both people have mental disorders. All the courts see is that one is as bad as the other."

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Advice from Dr. Phil. A mother says that her son is now saying things to her that he heard from his abusive father "You are stupid" and other verbally-abusive comments. Dr. Phil's advice: "Tell him that big boys don't say things like that." 

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Biding Your Time?

"My NH loves coca cola. The regular kind. By accident, I bought some that was the 'lime' flavoured. After leaving the store I realized and anticipated his annoyance. So, this is where we learn to put a spin on things to suit the N. I mentioned that in a recent article of Business Giants and Gurus that a poll was taken of the top executives tastes in beverage products and the results showed that the most intelligent (my NH is cerebral) business leaders found that lime-flavoured coke was the most preferred. Guess what? He agreed and enjoyed the 'lime' coke. And, if your N is a somatic variety, you might change the article to something in Maxim magazine.
If you want to go to a movie, tell him that all the top hunks are seeing it."

 

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"I hope you are developing assertiveness skills. This seems to be the one trait that partners of NPs lack - and NPs have in overabundant supply. Learn and use N tactics against them. The good news is that because we don't have a personality disorder, once learned - these traits are so effective they wither any NP."

 

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Ending the relationship - Top Tips:

"The therapist said that if he calls, to tell him that our relationship has become negative to me and I needed to back off some."

(Note: members find this a VERY SUCCESSFUL Tactic)
How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent). Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html

I've had enough, what's the best way to end it?

Q. "Do I give him an initial explanation as to why I'm ending this relationship (ie., my needs not being met, I've expressed many times how I feel, etc?)

A. Tell him "You and I are finished N." - Heavens, don't even start explaining things to an N - they'll twist, evade, squirm, blame, and lie - a total waste of our time. That's your decision - that's all he needs to know. Forget the idea that you need to use any social etiquette. You cannot hurt the feelings of a NP. All they see is that they have to use another approach or find somebody else to target.

A. Oh yes you can - Do it. Give yourself permission to do just that. He's been abusive. That's more than sufficient justification for your decision. You owe him no explanations and you do not have to defend your decision.

A. You don't - hang up the split second you hear his voice, block his emails, call the police if he shows up at your door. You've already told him once you and he are finished. Twice is too much. What part of this doesn't he understand? Get the police involved if he harasses you. If you let him ask questions and respond to them you're letting the tail wag the dog. Take control of the situation. Doing this requires almost no effort on our part and it's very personally empowering. We've all danced around much too much already, but when we've had 'enough' and made our decision, that's the prescription. It's that simple. It's that easy.

Please don't feel that you need any kind of explanations from this abuser. His disorder is the explanation. Abuse is the behaviour and your decision is the result. Needing explanations is like needing 'closure'. Besides, all you'll get is lies, evasiveness, blaming, or gaslighting on his part. Ns are pathological liars. Suppose our toaster stops working. We get rid of it. Because of their disorder NPs are just like that toaster - no feelings. We would never ask the toaster for explanations. All you'd be doing is giving him attention and that's what he wants. If we start any recontacting we're just holding up a big sign that we're gullible and can be retargeted. We'll end up making fools of ourselves if we go back. Keep focussed on the abusive he's done. Please ditch that emotional thinking about needing explanations or closure.

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That Suicide Threat

Occasionally the most horrific of manipulation tactics comes out of their grab bag of tricks. They?ll put unnecessary fear into us by crying "suicide". This is the most horrible of things they can say. We can be numbed by fear of what they may do. In discussing this with a professional mental health therapist, she advised the thing that we need to be aware of is the high potential for manipulation. We need to find the strength to say to this person "That's a choice you make." or "That's your decision." and to tell them to get themselves to the nearest hospital for a psychiatric assessment. They'll stop making these cruel threats if they don't get their payoff of our reaction. If it appears imminent, call the police. This needs to be dealt with by professionals. Not us!

Professionals also advise us to confront this straight up. It may clear the air to openly ask them "X, you seem distressed. Are you thinking of hurting yourself?" If they answer yes, get professionals involved, call the police or take them to a hospital emergency or tell them to get there. Professionals are needed.

Excerpt from: Stop Walking on Eggshells
In response to I'll kill myself if you leave me
"I'm not breaking up with you to be cruel. I'm very, very sorry that this hurts you. I want what's best for you in the future, but I just can't be part of it. And even if I were to stay with you, that wouldn't solve our problems. For one thing, your life's worth should be based on much more than just being in a relationship with me. Secondly, I know that you know deep inside that our relationship shouldn?t be based on me staying because I'm afraid of you dying and you staying because you think you can?t live without me. That's not healthy. I care about you. And because I care about you, I want you to live. And I want you to find your own happiness and your own life's worth, without me."

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From: Maxine Marz - Columnist and Safety and Security Consultant and Criminologist
 Successful Leaving Tips

If you sense your partner?s aggression escalating where you fear being physically attacked, simply leave the home. Go to your neighbors, a friend's or relative's home and inform them of what happened. Telling others will help calm you down, afford you with emotional support and expose the abuser. Most importantly, it will also establish witnesses should you need them to testify at a divorce proceeding. It is also advantageous to bring someone back with you when you return to your home to resolve the argument or when picking up your belongings. Third, keep a journal of all abuse incidents and names of people you told. Also take photos of injuries you sustained or property your partner damaged. If possible, tape-record and/or videotape altercations. Be sure to keep all documentation of abuse in a safe place away from your partner's reach.

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